I know you guys aren't going to believe me because you think that humans and dogs can't live at this temperature, but this morning it was FORTY-TWO DEGREES when Mom and I went for our run this morning. No, I swear, it CAN get that cold in real life!
Later, Mom explained to me that if anybody asked me what it was like to work in the City, that I should tell them, "It's like trying to hold it all together while balancing on one foot in high heels with a handful of dog doo."
The Little Mermaid is a story of a fish-person who sees a prince playing with his dog and realizes that swimming is scary and she wants to be a human so that she can run around and wrestle with the Prince, just like the dog. She goes to the Sea Witch and asks to be a human, but the sea witch says she has to be debarked in return. So when she sees the Prince, she can't bark in his face to make him chase her.
An important thing for any job is that the boss-person be a good leader. My boss-man is a great leader because he brought turkey jerky to our meeting, and immediately he had my undivided attention. I was inspired to do anything he asked me to do. "You are a very handsome man," I told him, laying my head in his lap. "I find you irresistible..." I went on.
I wasn't so sure about letting so many people besides Mom order me around, but Mom explained that when you start at your first job it's kind of like everyone is your boss and you have to do what they all say. And Mom was right! I met so many new Oscar fans who gave me pats and butt scratches that sometimes I couldn't give them all the attention that they wanted. Work is stressful!
I looked at Mom's weird boxy body that's flat in all the places where humans are sometimes curvy, and then I looked at my sleek, athletic frame that was black, but not blobby at all. "Well I don't have any boobies, and neither do you," I said. "And if one of us is going to chase contaminated critters, it should be the one of us that is up to date on his flea meds, don't you think?"
I had no problem running away from that glopy, gelatinous mystery and got a head start down the beach. Before too long, I could smell the delicious smell of rot again. This time there was a Thing that looked like a tree trunk surrounded by a cloud of flies, but smelled like ocean and dead things. I tucked my tail and ran as far away from it as I could without jumping in the ocean.
As much as I love Mom, I couldn't imagine anyone finding her as handsome as I am, and I thought it was pretty preposterous that she would think that someone would find her the more attractive of the two of us.
"What was that lady's problem?" I asked Mom. "I think you startled her with your barking," Mom said. "SHE startled ME with HER barking!" I said. "It's true, she should have been paying attention. She was a bit of a dingbat, wasn't she?" "You think SHE was a dingbat? Did you see her dog?!"