Mom took us on a road trip last weekend so she could run without me. Her run was horrible, and then she took away my computer with her on a business trip so I didn’t get to tell you about it. And then for a WEEK I had to sit at home without runs and without internet. It was horrible! Four whole days without someone taking my picture! I’m sure the internet almost shut down from lack of interest.
But today Mom finally took me back to The Wetlands that Smell Like a Fart. We were running along minding our business when 2 people runners and 2 doggie runners decided to play Red Rover with the path, blocking any way through. I was so excited because I love Red Rover and rough play when on leash, but Mom doesn’t because she’s tied to me and only has 2 legs to balance on. The little yippy dog had just taken a poo, so her mom wasn’t paying attention while Ms. Yippie Pants yipped herself into a frenzy. As we got closer she didn’t even touch the ground anymore as she turned into a Tasmanian devil. This was going to be epic! Meanwhile, the other Friend (a big lab) had made eye contact saying, “come at me bro,” while his mom stood blocking oncoming traffic and smiling like a drip.
“Can you please clear a way through?!” Mom shouted at them as we approached.
“We just want to say hi!” said The Drip.
Mom took one look at the Ms. Yippie Pants shouting how she was going to f&@$ me up and the come-at-me-bro lab and plowed through the Red Rover line without giving me a single chance to pull her off her feet. We came back on the single track next to the trail where only geese, sea gulls, and a homeless man fishing were going to block our path. What is wrong with people?! I mean, I know I’m famous and a damned good-looking dog, but my fame also makes me vulnerable to people suing me if there’s a misunderstanding. Also, I look like a pit bull and people are breedist.
On our way back to the car, we saw another Friend whose Mom had pulled him aside and put him in a sit to let us pass through the narrow space. “I’m teaching him to let other dogs walk by,” the Friend’s mom told us. So we walked by the Friend, who sat still and smiled at us while I didn’t even look at him. Mom was so proud that she gave me butt scratches right there in the parking lot.
–Oscar the Red Rover champion