Our morning routine usually goes like this:
4:05am Mom’s alarm goes off. I lay in my bed and pretend to sleep until Mom shines her phone in my face. Then I groan and get up.
4:07am Mom sits on the pot and stares at her phone like a zombie while I lay on my back being cute and wait for her to notice me.
4:27am Mom notices me and comes and lies on the floor next to me and gives me belly rubs
4:30am I watch Mom in the kitchen to see if she will feed me
If she feeds me, I eat and try to break back into the bedroom and go back to sleep.
If she doesn’t feed me, I try to break into the bedroom to go back to sleep
4:55am (on running days) Mom calls me away from where I’m standing with my face 2 micrometers from the bedroom door. The third time she calls, I walk down the hall and peek around the corner to see what she wants. When I see the harness, I pancake myself on the floor and look depressed. This makes it harder for her to put the harness on.
5:00am Mom drags me out the door. I sniff things till she says, “on your mark, get set, go!” Then I buck around like a lunatic and try to catch the leash in my mouth so I can yank Mom out of the cul-de-sac. Someday I will succeed in pulling her off balance before she reaches the sidewalk. Then I will win and I can retire.
Then I run next to her looking for places to sniff or poo before finally settling in to a pace after 10 min.
6:30 Come home just in time to have a bite of NotMom’s eggs.
I mean, I love to run. I really do. But I act like I’m being asked to go to the vet every time Mom gets me ready. But this morning we didn’t start till 6. The first part of the morning was the same as usual: fake sleep, lie on back and watch Mom watch her phone, lovins, wish for food, try to break into bedroom, pancake… But when we got outside it wasn’t dark like it usually is, so I didn’t have to smell my surroundings to find my way around. I could see! It was a miracle! This was incredibly exciting for me, as I raced through the neighborhood to watch things zoom by. Then I raced onto my trail, to see what that looked like zooming by. Then I raced for the rest of our 4 mile run. I couldn’t wait to see what was up the road a little further, so I zoomed and I zoomed and I zoomed! The only problem was that Mom was tied to me. Apparently humans don’t like to come along for the zoomies.
–Oscar the Rocketpants
Update/clarification: Mom is not 💩ing for 20 min every morning. That’s just how long it takes her to check her email and spin the candy crush wheel.