I’m sorry if Mom and I haven’t been interacting with most of your Facebook posts. Mom has been on a Facebook fast because people keep spoiling her picture stories for her. I’ve been avoiding Facebook because every time I log in, someone has posted something that makes me sad. A few days ago, someone posted something on a different group that still has me bummed out today. The story was about a woman who was running in her neighborhood when a big dog escaped and started barking its face off at a little dog right in front of her. This woman was scared that the big dog might bite her, and she was asking about when it was appropriate to pepper spray a dog. I made the mistake of reading the comments, and they made me even more sad, because most people were saying to attack any dog off leash on sight, and some people were saying to shoot them with guns. GUNS! I always knew that there was a minority of bad dogs that attack people when they’re scared, but I didn’t know that there were also bad people who got aggressive and attacked dogs when they were scared?! Stranger danger, you guys. It’s real!
Do you guys remember the scary vacuum lady who whimpered and acted all squirrelly every time I looked at her? That lady was clearly irrational and dangerous, and I had to be on guard around her in case she attacked. Do you remember that mailman who took one look at me and started running circles around the lobby like a lunatic and then waved a chair at me? That guy was a certifiable loony, and clearly couldn’t be trusted. Remember that tiny people-puppy that was dressed up like a chicken last Halloween and walked all funny and pointed at me in an aggressive way? Clearly that people puppy was going to attack me if I didn’t put the fear of God into it by barking and pooping myself.
I have so much love to give, and new friends are my favorite. But some new friends don’t understand dog language very well, and they think I’m a scary dude. If I see someone looking at me, especially a runner chick (runners are my peeps, after all!), then I might think that she’s flirting with me and wants to be my friend. (I’m a dude, after all – and a damned good looking one at that!) If I miscalculate and go over to say hi, and it turns out that she’s one of those crazy dog-hating chicks, then she might misunderstand my advances and get all scared. Now I’m a pretty empathic guy, so when I see someone getting all scared, I start wondering what’s wrong and now *I* get scared. Because I’m a ‘fraidy pants (hey, I’m a lover, not a fighter), I probably wouldn’t attack another ‘fraidy pants, I would just bark my face off at them and tell Mom to “Sick em!”. But what if the new frienemy is the kind of ‘fraidy pants that always goes around with pepper spray? Or a gun!? Then someone could REALLY get hurt. And since dogs don’t have fingers to push buttons or pull triggers, it’s probably going to be me getting hurt. Mom does her best to keep me safe from situations like that, but sometimes accidents and misunderstandings just happen.
I have a better solution for these ‘fraidy paints runners who are scared of being attacked by bad dogs or bad people, and see baddies everywhere they look: Get a dog! That’s right! Not only can a dog protect you from monsters by scaring them off with vicious loud sounds that don’t hurt anyone, dogs have other benefits too! We’re great running buddies (duh!), and we’ll bark over your picture stories so you’re not quite sure what happened and you have to go to Facebook and look at the memes on your wall to find out. If you drop food on the floor, no problem! It’s already picked up. Bed too lonely? We’ve got that covered too! Get a dog, and you’ll only have 1 square inch to sleep in for the next 10 years! Having trouble waking up in the morning? Just you *try* going back to sleep with someone licking your face like you’re covered in peanut butter! Need a chick magnet? Look no further (not all ladies are crazy, most chicks love me!). Best of all, getting a dog will help you understand doggie language so you won’t be so scared when dogs do their doggie thing in front of you. (Even Mom used to be scared of dogs before she met me!)
-Oscar the Not-so-scary Guy