We didn’t stay at that awesome place in the woods. We moved back home where I have rules and my rotten cat sister grumps at me all the time. We’ve been on two patrols of My Trail since then and not a single interesting thing has happened. Not one! Sometimes I dream of being a mountain dog, where I could chase critters through the woods off-leash all day. I would write a novel, and Mom could be a lumberjack or something where she would get to be outside all day. Humans evolved to be wild animals that play in the fresh air, not inside all day banging on laptops, and I want to give Mom a fulfilling life. In the mountains I would take Mom on trail runs every day, and we could go on family hikes all the time, and I would have no leash holding me down. If I lived where the people were wild, I wouldn’t have to worry about running on my side of the yellow line on the trail, or not barking when the neighbors are in their driveway, or suppressing my impulse to chase the other neighbors’ sick cat who wants to die in the cool space under NotMom’s car where she can stare me down through the front door as she does it. I wouldn’t have neighbors at all, just trees and deer. And no one would hate on me for barking, and I could just be myself.
–Oscar the City Dog, who dreams of the country