Yesterday I was just hanging out waiting for the lady that takes me to the park to come pick me up, when much to my surprise Mom came in! She took me out to the car and we drove and drove for such a very long time. When Mom finally let me out of the car, I didn’t know where we were going, but I knew it was going to be exciting so I yanked Mom hither an yon. Once we got out of the Tardis, Mom took me over to a gentle and cheerful people puppy. The people puppy kept touching my face, which was kind of weird, but I liked him so I didn’t mind much. But then Mom took this sock thing from the people puppy and put it around my face and clipped it behind my ears. I couldn’t open my mouth at all! I immediately started worming on the ground trying to slip the thing off. “Mrrm! Whrrt rn thr wrrld rs thrs?!?!”
“I’m so sorry, Bubby! It’s because of their insurance, for safety and protection.”
“Prrtrctrrn frrm wrrt?!?!”
“We need to protect you from people who are afraid of dogs and barking.”
I don’t see why I needed to be punished because someone else is scared of me, but I had to agree with Mom that people who are scared of dogs ARE dangerous and give me the creeps.
After a night of what Mom called “camping,” which means sleeping in the crummiest building I have ever seen in my life, we went back out and Mom put the stupid face sock on me again. There were lots of other four-legged runners there that I would have liked to bark at, but I was too embarrassed to introduce myself in my face sock, even though they were wearing embarrassing face socks too. All the fleshy and furry runners smooshed in close together, and then everyone headed down to the road together. Once we were on the road, Mom pulled over and took the face sock off me. Once I was free, I pinned my ears back. It was time to run!
For the first mile I darted from one opening to the next trying to pass all the doggies. By the second mile, it was just me, a shar-pei/potato mix racing for second, and a German shepherd mix a ways up the road. At the third mile line, the shepherd stopped at the water stop and Mom and I were in doggie first place!!! Now that we were winning with only 10 miles to go, I decided that it was time to stop Mom’s doggy doping program and run along side her instead.
A little later, the shepherd and the shar-potato each passed us a few times, and each time they did, I made Mom run faster until we were back in front. Sometimes I barked at the shar-potato, because he deserved it. But by mile 5, I was too tired for barking and let the other dogs run with us… but only for a little while before I passed them back.
Another awesome thing about this race was that we were running around moo-cow fields the WHOLE TIME! Every time I saw a moo-cow, I got excited and ran a little faster.
By mile 10, we had a comfortable lead on the shepherd and shar-potato, which is good because Mom was sucking wind and running like doo-doo. I had to let her take some walking breaks. Around the 11th mile, I ground to a stop and tried to get Mom to turn around. There was a terrible monster coming toward us with a giant hat on top of its head, feathers coming out of its face, empty eyes, and a great big coat that went all the way to the ground. It was coming right for me!
“Do you want any poison?” I think I heard the monster ask.
“I like your costume very much, but he does not,” Mom said to the monster. These were the magic words, and the monster got scared and backed away.
With just over a mile to go, I heard dog tags behind me. I thought it might be the shar-potato, so I knew that even though Mom was pretty ragged we could still win. But instead of the shar-potato, around came a fit, skinny looking dog leading a fit, skinny man. No matter how hard I pulled Mom (and believe me, I pulled!), we couldn’t catch them. So I was second dog. Apparently even the best doggie doping program can’t overcome Mom’s crummy genes.
-Oscar the almost winner