I’m back! Every summer Mom takes a few weeks off of her stenographer duties to use that time to watch a bunch of bikes with people on them chase each other around France. This is the first way that bikes ruin my summer. I hate this time of year too, because the bikes on TV inspire Mom to take *her* bike on as many runs as I get to go on. While they’re running, I have to stay home and bark at the neighbors. This is the second way that bikes ruin my summer.
Yesterday Mom put both me and the bike in the car. Because I can fold up smaller than the bike, the bike got to sit in the big comfy dog couch in the back and I had to sit in the front like people. I hate sitting in the front because I can never get comfortable, and can’t help Mom drive. Without my guidance, Mom drove all the way over the Golden Gate Bridge (which is a spot in the world where they forgot to hang the background). The really great stuff comes after we get to the other side, because that’s where Bodie lives!
Mom dropped me off at Bodie’s house, and we got to hike and hike for hours until we found the beach. I thought the beach was the end of the adventure, but it turned out that Bodie’s mom expected me to walk all the way back again! I was tired from all the intense playing, so half way back I lay down in the dust, “No… it’s okay…” I told Bodie and Bodie’s mom. “You go on. I’ll just lie here waiting for death.”
“Come on, Oscar,” Bodie’s Mom said.
“Don’t let me hold you up,” I panted. “This is a lovely place to die.”
“You can’t die here,” Bodie told me. “She won’t let you die in peace. She’s going to keep nagging you, so you might as well get up.” So I sighed, got up, and kept walking.
Meanwhile, Mom had been running with her bike. It is something she enjoys, so I guess it’s okay as long as I don’t have to stay home barking at the neighbors. But on the way home, I could barely hold up my gigantic, gorgeous head. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, but since the dumb bike was in my seat and I had to sit like people in the front, I was prevented from taking a proper nap. This is the third way that bikes ruin my summer.
Then, this morning for our Weekend Adventure, Mom and I went back to the abandoned haunted highway. I wanted to go somewhere new, but Mom said that in summer we needed to go places where it is foggy and cool so that I won’t have to lie down at the side of the trail waiting for death to come for me. That seemed reasonable.
We ran for more than 10 miles, and in that time I saw hundreds of thousands of bunnies. (Mom said that it was really more like 50 bunnies, but if you round up then 50 is almost 200,000.) I chased some of them, but without Bodie to help pull Mom at top speed, all the bunnies got away and there wasn’t really any joy in it.
Before we went home, Mom said that we had to go run one more errand. She drove us to San Francisco, where we kept finding the roads blocked. “What’s going on, Mom? Why have they closed the city?”
“I think it’s the marathon today,” Mom said. “Those poor schlubs probably don’t know what hit them.”
“What hit them?” I asked. It certainly wasn’t cars, because all the cars were trapped just like us.
“Oscar, I have run dozens of marathons in my life, and the two times I have run the SF marathon were THE WORST, most painful experiences I have ever had during a marathon. All I wanted to do was lie down at the side of the road and wait for death.”
“Oh!” I told her. “I think I ran the San Francisco Marathon yesterday!”
We finally got to our destination, and Mom left me in the car while she ran into a house. When she came out, she was with a man carrying a gigantic box. She and the man kicked me out of my seat again and put the box back there where it could spread out. Then Mom ordered me back to the people seat in the front.
“What the heck is that thing?!” I asked.
“It’s a box for my bike.”
Go figure! I hope it’s a coffin!
-Oscar, who is way more interesting than a stupid bike anyway