Today was my first day of work as a busy-ness dog. I had temped a few days at Mom’s last job, but that was the sort of place where they didn’t appreciate things like chasing the mail man around the lobby and screaming your head off, or pooping on the floor (even if there’s a miniature people puppy in a chicken costume giving you a threatening look). But Mom’s new job is in a place called The City that is much more dog friendly. In The City there are things all over the ground that used to have food in them, and still might have a little nibble left if you try swallowing them. In fact, in The City there are plenty of people who even act like dogs, sleeping on the floor and pooping in the open air. I loved my new job right away, and I hadn’t even gotten to the office yet.
I brought treats for all my new coworkers, and left them in the kitchen with a sign that said, “To my new Friends, Love Oscar.” Then Mom used Slack (which is like doggie telepathy between humans) to ask everybody to repay the favor by asking me to sit and giving me a treat before giving me pats and butt scratches. I wasn’t so sure about letting so many people besides Mom order me around, but Mom explained that when you start at your first job it’s kind of like everyone is your boss and you have to do what they all say. And Mom was right! I met so many new Oscar fans who gave me pats and butt scratches that sometimes I couldn’t give them all the attention that they wanted. Work is stressful! When no one was paying attention to me, I looked around and saw that everyone was looking busy, so I grabbed the bone that Mom had given me and tried to look busy too.
A few times I spotted one of my new Friends while I was walking around, and shouted hello at them. Mom is always mad when I bark, but this time she got stern with me so quick that I started to think that maybe I was doing something wrong. I looked around, and noticed that no one else was barking. Maybe a busy-ness dog doesn’t holla when he sees a Friend. So instead, I let my tail wag so hard that my butt almost hit me in the face, and ran up to my Friend like a silent bowling ball.
A few times during the day, Mom took me out to the dog bathroom for a break. I sniffed at a plate on the ground to see if it had any foodishness on it, but the only thing it had on it was words. “Well that’s rude,” Mom said, pulling my nose away from the plate while I was still trying to figure out what it said. I don’t know what a “bick” is, but Mom doesn’t understand how soothing it can be to suck on something when you’re stressed out at work.
Being a busy-ness dog sure is tiring, and you’re not supposed to fall asleep at work so I didn’t get any naps all day long. By the time Mom took me back to the car I was pooped-with-a-capital-P. But Mom was so proud of me that she kept waking me up the whole drive home to tell me what a good boy I am, and that I’d passed the interview. My new Friends said I could come back and be a part time busy-ness dog!
“Does this mean that I’ll get to do important things like participate in board meetings and manage client relationships?!” I asked.
“I don’t think so, Oscar,” Mom said. “I think that you were more of a diversity hire.”
“What’s a diver city hire?” I asked. I was afraid it might involve swimming.
“It means that they hired you because your picture will look good on the web site.”
Well that made sense, I am a damned good looking dog. “Hang on a second,” I said after having a think. “Do you mean to say that they didn’t hire me just because I’m a good boy? That they think that humans would do a better job at being busy-ness people than me, and they only hired me so that they would look like a progressive company?”
“Something like that,” Mom said.
“But they’re wrong! I’m a real hard worker, I learn fast, and I’m very loyal!”
“I know you are,” Mom said. “So the best thing that you can do is show what a good business dog you are, and not create any office drama. You’ve got to be a polite all the time, and support everybody in the office. When they see that people like coming to work because they enjoy working with you, then they’ll see that hiring business dogs is as good for productivity as hiring an extra person.”
“I get it!” I said. “I should give my coworkers lots of kisses, and when they are stressed out and want soothing I should tell them that they can suck my bick!”
“Hold that thought,” Mom said. “Sexual harassment training isn’t till next week.”
-Oscar the Busy-ness dog