I just love working so much. Today when Mom stopped the car in The City and I realized that I got to go back to work, I was so excited that I walked to the office with purpose, dragging her behind me. As soon as I saw my new Friends (Friends at work are called “collies” I learned), I screeched in a very professional voice and ran around trying to greet them all at once. All my collies told me to hush, but they were all smiling so I knew I wasn’t really in trouble. And anyway, I had already bounced off of all of them and didn’t need to bark anymore.
Since today was Halloween, Mom and I wore matching costumes. Mom was dressed up as a sailor, and I was dressed as a mermaid with seashells on my chest just like a real mermaid. At first I wasn’t so sure about my costume and tried taking it off, but then when Mom put it back on me and I saw that it got me extra attention, I decided to keep it on for the rest of the day.
When Mom and I are home, we’re family. But when we’re at work, we’re collies. So when Mom went to the People Bathroom while I was in a meeting getting scratches from two collies at once, I let her go alone and didn’t bark a peep even though I couldn’t see her. Not following your collies into the bathroom is called “professionalism.” Mom was so proud of me for being professional that she threw me a quiet party of vigorous pats when she came out.
An important thing for any job is that the boss-person be a good leader. My boss-man is a great leader because he brought turkey jerky to our meeting, and immediately he had my undivided attention. I was inspired to do anything he asked me to do. The problem was, he ate all the jerky himself instead. “You are a very handsome man,” I told him, laying my head in his lap. “I find you irresistible…” I went on.
“Oscar! No! What are you doing?!” Mom squawked, yanking at my leash.
“I’m twerking, Mom” I said. “Isn’t that obvious?”
“Please! Keep it professional!” she begged me.
I was confused, did she expect a piece of eye candy like me to toil my way to success with hard work when I had these natural good looks to work with? Apparently so, because every time I tried to put the moves on the Boss Man, she pulled me back. I’ve heard that women can be really jealous of the most attractive one in the office, but I didn’t expect this behavior from Mom!
And I’ve saved the best part of the the day for last: lunch! One of the things about working at a start-up is that if they want to attrapped the best workers like me, they have to pay them in lunches. It says so in the constitution. If a start-up doesn’t pay its workers in lunches, then they get to go outside and buy their own lunches, and then maybe they will never come back. A bunch of my collies had ordered something that came with poached chicken livers, and can you believe it, those weirdos didn’t want to eat theirs! Why work hard if you’re not going to eat the chicken livers??? So I got to go around the table and eat everybody’s liver. Some people think that we’re spoiled and paid too much in The City, but if you had seen how good I was at not napping all day, you would know that I earned all 3 of those chicken livers.
-Oscar the Pooch