If you’ve never had a job before, you really oughta try working. It’s the funnest ways that you can spend a day inside. Now that I’m a busy-ness dog in The City, I’m responsible for lots of people when I’m at work. When I get to the office, I can barely wait for Mom to open the door, and as soon as she does I blast off to take attendance and screech hello to everyone. I’m usually one of the first busy-ness people to arrive, so once I’ve done my roll call I check in individually with everyone on my team to see how they’re doing and let them scratch my butt. As people walk up the stairs toward my desk, I sing them a little welcome song, and then greet them when they get to the office.
I really love my job, but having all that responsibility means that Mom and I can’t just hop in the covered wagon and drive into the wilderness. I think it’s harder on Mom, because humans aren’t pack animals and so sitting inside all day, surrounded by other humans is unnatural for them. That’s why work needs to provide them activities to do all day so they don’t get bored. There’s quiet Play on the Computer time, and private Practice Talking with the TV time, and my favorite: Meetings! Meetings are when everybody gets together in one room to let one person show off their barking while everyone else looks bored and watches jealously as I make the rounds and my collies take turns scratching my butt.
“Isn’t it a drag that we have to go to work today?” Mom said this morning on our drive to The City. “I wish it were the weekend already.”
“What??? A drag? Work is my favorite thing ever! I get to see all of my Friends and have them scratch my butt…”
“Well, that one’s a dogs-only perk. Humans can’t touch coworkers’ butts…” Mom’s always complaining about how no one can touch her butt at work, and how she can’t kiss anyone either. But I think that she’s got a loser’s attitude because she hasn’t even given it a try.
“…and do important things like greet guests and show them to the conference rooms…” I went on.
“…yeah, I wish you wouldn’t do that. Not everyone appreciates a big stranger dog that just barked at them following them everywhere they go.”
“…and meetings! Oh how I LOVE meetings!”
“…I’m pretty sure that’s just you…”
“…everyone’s hands are bored because they don’t have their laptops or phones, so they give me massages. Meetings are the best!”
“Again, I think you should check your doggie privilege…”
“And in between meetings I get to lie on my bed at our desk and nap. Really, what could be better than working, I ask you?”
“Working is okay, I guess. But wouldn’t you rather be out there adventuring, and hiking, and exploring?”
“Exploring is great and all, but frankly I find it a little stressful sometimes,” I said. When we travel I never know what to expect, and there are all of those unfamiliar smells and sounds.
“If you like exploring so much, why don’t you do it full time?” I asked.
“Well, because if I didn’t work, I wouldn’t have the money to pay for the things we need on our adventures like food and gas and campgrounds with showers…”
“Hang on a second. They give you money to come to work???”
“Well, yeah. That’s the deal.”
“You get free food, and a warm place to relax all day with your friends where nobody bites you, clean indoor bathrooms, and screens to watch while you’re there… they help you pay for the vet if you’re sick, and then they give you money???”
“Well, when you put it like that…”
“Wait, do all humans have this arrangement at work?”
“Not the free food and health insurance, but yeah. We all get paychecks and bathrooms. And almost nobody gets bitten in the line of duty.”
“So when humans complain about work, do they all have such awesome and friendly collies, and get free food and gourmet coffee, and their vet bills paid for?”
“No, they don’t.”
“Yeah, but at least their dogs get to come to work with them, right?”
“Well no, that’s not really standard proce…”
“Then what do their dogs do all day long?!” I asked, alarmed.
“The same thing you do when I’m not home, I guess. Nap and eat through the bottom of all the pockets in the house looking for treats while they wait for their family to come home.”
“But that’s horrible! Don’t the humans even worry a little bit about making their dogs so anxious that they need to seek out a life of crime?”
“Speaking for myself, yes, I miss you every day when I’m at work. That’s why I have someone bring you to the dog park to play with your friends, and let you go to the bathroom, and give you kisses and butt scratches and something to do during the day.”
“Mom, I hate to break it to you, but I think you need to fire that lady.”
“Why? I thought you loved Grecia.”
“Well yeah, I do. But that was before I knew that she was supposed to be PAYING me for all the stuff we do together. Every time she comes, she takes that money you leave out on the counter and puts it in her pocket. I never knew that money was meant for me!”
Oscar the Busy-ness Dog